and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
