It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
