I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
