Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
