I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I just sharted jello shots
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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