I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
