Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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