Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
