What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
