Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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