Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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