brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
