Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
