My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
