Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
