can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
