So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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