I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Congratulations! We have a period
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
