i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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