I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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