get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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