just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
