I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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