Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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