All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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