Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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