Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
