you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
