well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
