My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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