I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is Oprah even human
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
