now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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