I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
