he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
