So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
