does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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