Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
