Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
