Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
