my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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