Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
