A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He did a backflip because drugs
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
