you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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