I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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