So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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