i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
