how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
