Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
