do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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