okay pat passed out under dana's car
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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