I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
