True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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