My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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