It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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