How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
