She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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