U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
