I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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