I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
