I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
