how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Randomize
