ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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