I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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