Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Text me some of your sweat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
