He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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