im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
