I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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