my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
